


Endless

by Makoto4



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Car Accidents, Character Death, Fluff, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, POV Aaron Dingle, POV Robert Sugden, Panic Attacks, Roblivion, Seizures, Smut, Weddings, YES there will be smut I promised, and snuggles, more tags to come as I progress, yes there will be sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-05 15:04:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15866049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makoto4/pseuds/Makoto4
Summary: Everything is blurry and hazy.A car chase ending in blood and tears.A blond girl crying. Shouting. A cacophony of voices.Scruff. Endless blue.Someone's dead. They were important somehow. Very important. Not to him. To...And black...***********************A memory loss leaves their lives crumbled. Now they have to re-build it. Question is, is it gonna be worth?





	1. Awake

Everything is blurry and hazy. 

A car chase ending in blood and tears.

A blond girl crying. Shouting. A cacophony of voices.

Scruff. Endless blue. 

Someone's dead. They were important somehow. Very important. Not to him. To... 

And black. 

**************

Waking up is... white. And then nothing. 

'Where... where I am...' he stops. 'I... Am I? Wh... who am I?' 

Panic. Breathe. Breathe, 'c'mon Robert, breathe'... Gasp.  
'Robert?' he cracks. 

'Yes. Robert... You...?'

He looks up, startled. There is someone with him. Scruff. And endless blue. He blinks and the picture slips away, leaving a bloke leaning over him, all concerned looking.  
He looks around, taking in his environment. A room. White. Machines. Hospital. 

'Rob...? Do you know...?'

His eyes snap back to the stranger standing next to his bed. Rob... Robert? He says it out loud, rolling it off his tongue like he is trying to taste it.

'Rob? That's me? Am I Robert?'

The blue widens, impossibly. The face under that scruff pales. Now, that he looks at him more, he notices redness around the eyes, the paleness making it even more obvious. This man has been crying. 

There is a sharp intake of breath, and the man opens his mouth, but the door opening interrupts them.

'Mr. Dingle...' glares a young-ish redhead. 'You were instructed to call us as soon as he wakes up, no?'

The man stutters. 'I'm sorry... I just... he just... Doctor, I think something is wrong with him. He... He's...' The man's (Mr. Dingle was it?) voice falters.

The "doctor" (so young-- is that safe?) - looks at him (Robert, was it?) now. 

'Hello, Mr. Sugden. Welcome back...'

'Mr. Sugden...' he rolls it out slowly. 'Rob... Robert? Robert Sugden?' Nothing. It's like a strange attached together words with no meaning. Like when you repeat the same word all over again, and it loses it's meaning. Stupid game... He stops his train of thoughts. How does he know it? Did he ever try it? 

Panic. Beeping. Fast and alarming. Panic. 

'Ro...Rob... Sug...den?' What's this? Is that him? Him being described in these two strange words with no meaning. What... 

There are voices reduced to noises, than soft darkness, welcomed and safe. 

 

**************

 

When he wakes up again, he knows two things. His name is probably Robert Sugden. And the guy sitting next to his bed is Mr. Dingle. He has no idea who the blonde girl is, she looks very young, maybe 15? 16? 

And now he realizes, that he knows one more thing. Numbers. It's a sudden and weird thought. Knowing numbers. And as a matter of fact, words. But not his life. Not himself. Are there words to describe himself? It's disturbing and disorientating. Unconsciously he makes a small, strangled noise, as his head starts hurting and the room tilts.

The young girl stirs, and there is a voice from the other side of the room as well. A bit high pitched, but not unpleasant. 

'Robert...?' 

In the next second lots of things happen. His head whips around to see who the voice belongs to, Mr. Dingle startles awake and the blonde girl jumps up and grabs his hand that startles him so hard, that he almost jumps out of his skin. 

Though his reaction to the touch seems to make everyone freeze, he reckons it's not a bad thing at all. At least he has some seconds to calm back down and to assess the situation. He slowly looks around and tries to ignore the fact that the only familiar things are words, numbers and Mr. Dinlge's face, but the latter is only, because it's literally the second time he sees him. Well, at least he thinks this is the second time he lays eyes upon Mr. Dingle. But, he has this very strong suspicion, that Mr. Dingle would say otherwise. Mr. Dingle most likely has a history with one Robert Sugden. Too bad, he is not familiar with either of them.

Suddenly he is jealous. Which makes sense on a level. Mr. Dingle knows Robert Sugden better than Robert Sugden does. Confusing. So much so that he forces himself to drop that line of thoughts.

So he looks around again, slowly. The woman in the corner is older. Pretty. Chin-long hair, pregnant. Her hand is firmly on her belly, teeth worrying her lower lip, eyes wet and puffy. She's been crying. Apparently people tend to do so around him. He feels sorry for them, but he is more concerned about himself for now and he reckons he has pretty good reasons. 

Next, he eyes the young girl, who is also puffy eyed, and actively crying. Not sobbing, but silent tears. Rosy cheeks, fair skin, round face, beautiful blue eyes. Blue... The thought of blue makes his eyes snap up to Mr. Dingle.  
Robert realizes, that he likes the name. How it sounds. Old and historical. Like a place. Dingle. Why does he know this but not who he is? And just who these people are? Mr. Dingle is only a name. He can feel himself getting frustrated. Again, the room tilts and spins, and Mr. Dingle's face slips out of focus a bit. 

But he snaps himself out of it. There is too much he needs to ask, too much he needs to learn. To remember. He needs to start asking questions.

So he plasters on a big, fake and all-teeth baring smile, bitterness rolling out of him in waves (not sure if it's because of the situation or just because he is a wanker when pissed, but he for sure knows that in this moment, he is pissed. Because he also knows, that he is terrified and that pisses him off.) So he aims and shoots... 

'Now that we established Mr. Dingle there and myself as Robert Sugden, I'd just really love to make acquaintance with us. And all of you lot. Anyone up for a round of who the hell I am?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was not easy to write at all... Let's see where this will take us :) Take them... :)  
> let me know what you think


	2. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert Jacob Sugden tries to get to know Robert Jacob Sugden and his family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst heavily in here, and there will be more angst coming.

Although he has no recollection of himself, he knows that currently Robert Sugden (sorry, Robert Jacob Sugden as they informed him earlier) is an ass. He makes a mental note to self, to ask Mr. Dingle (yes, yes it's Aaron, he knows that now but the name Mr. Dingle is his second memory after awakening and he likes it) if Robert Jacob Sugden really is an asshole. 

Mr. Dingle told him things about Robert Jacob Sugden. Liv (Flaherty, the sister) sometimes added some snippets here and there. Chas (Dingle, his mother-in-law also Mr. Dingle’s mom) also informed him, that he is a dad. Apparently there are some twists in Robert Jacob Sugden’s life and he is keen on remembering them… He has a son, for God’s sake. Well, go figure that he is a bisexual twat who just got married literally less than 42 hours ago… a wedding that he has no recollection of, with a son somewhere out there, 

Of course, him snapping at his (apparently) family members right after waking up shook them a bit, but considering all things, they also snapped out of said shock quiet fast.  
Apparently Robert Jacob Sugden (yes, he thinks of himself like that for now, he needs to get used to these three little words describing him) is a snappy bastard when he is irritated. But they obeyed. There were some introductions, awkward and muttered. Tears. Yeah, those kept flowing so Robert started to worry that they’ll all drown at some point.

Those three faces looking at him in shock, all wide eyed and uncertain made it all worth it. 

Mr. Dingle cracked first with a loud and not so attractive snort. Liv followed with a cackle and Chas murmured something about ‘bastards’ and ‘son-in-laws’ but with a slight upward tilt to her mouth. 

After that, there were fewer tears. It helped. Not much, but it was easier to concentrate on the confusing and overwhelming information he was receiving. Considering the nothing in his brain, he was desperate for every little piece. The most interesting parts were coming from Mr. Dingle. At one point he had to ask the guy to stop talking a little bit. Overwhelming is the best word he can describe how he felt. 

Mr. Dingle loves Robert Jacob Sugden. Mr. Dingle loves Robert Jacob Sugden so much, so purely and with such devotion that it broke the heart of one Robert Jacob Sugden right then and there. 

And Robert Jacob Sugden right now is nothing more than those three little words. He has no idea if it’s deserved. He does not know Robert Fucking Sugden but the love he can feel from Mr. Dingle is hitting hard. He wants to remember. More than anything. The need engulfs him, because if it feels like to be loved this much by someone he has no recollection of, and not just as a person, a human and a husband, but on the emotional level either, then he needs to know how it feels to be loved when he is whole. By someone he knows and remembers. And supposedly loves back. He wants to feel it. Know it all. Their path. The road traveled. The kisses, the touches, the sex. Well, at least he assumes they all had that at one point. They just got married. 

He needs a break. In his own head. He tells them so, right in the middle of another Mr. Dingle story about Robert Jacob Sugden who apparently is great with numbers and cooks like a pro. 

Mr. Dingle looks hurt and that somehow pains him. He doesn’t know this man, or himself but it hurts to see him hurting. Especially because of him. He opens his mouth to explain, to soften the blow (apparently he is a knob but also can be soft - another note to self to ask about later), but the door swings open again, the same redheaded doctor standing there outright glaring at the whole Dingle-Flaherty clan present. On that note, he needs to ask if there are any other members of said clan, and if so… Are they also like this? 

Then the good doctor suddenly sags and just gives up, muttering tiredly ‘Of course they didn’t call me… Again’

Those three at least have the audacity to look guilty. Apparently there were promises made that upon Robert regaining consciousness they were gonna call her.

The grin that spreads around on Robert Jacob Sugden’s face is real. He can feel it blossoming and reaching his eyes, his heart. A sudden throb and a some little butterflies in his stomach that he needs to inspect later. He decides he likes the feeling, and he decides that he likes these three morons. Though he cannot remember at all, he still reckons, that one Robert Jacob Sugden could have done worse. In fact he might have done really well for himself. 

‘Hello doc!’ is what leaves his mouth, still grinning, while his family - the feeling this word causes needs some more inspection later as well - just stares at him, all dumbfounded and awkward. 

‘Hello Mr. Sugden.’ The doctor greets back, smiling slightly, but suddenly turning serious.

‘We have your results, I came to talk to you and your family about it. Due to the fact that you have no recollection of them, I’d like to ask you if you are comfortable with them being here or you’d like to be alone while we discuss your condition?’

He has a condition. That’s never good, is it? But, conditions can also be treated. For a minute he feels lost and terrified but everyone in the room is looking at him expectantly so he takes a deep breath, puts his cockiest (ask about it later - note) smile on and fires away.

‘Are these three going to cry or is it safe for them to stay?’

The doctor actually rolls her eyes, and Mr. Dingle drags a palm down his face. Chas actually hits him on the leg and orders him to ‘Behave, Robert!’  
Liv laughs, though it’s a bit broken. Still she seems to understand that he needs this. To keep it light. So he throws a grateful smile at her, looks at Mr. Dingle and nods at the doctor.

‘Sorry. Go ahead please. I might not remember them, but I think I actually might have liked them enough to… aaaahhh…’ another hit from Chas, but she is grinning. 

The doctor (her name is still in a haze but it’s fine by him for now) sighs and nods.

‘Mr. Sugden… there is no easy way to say it… your second seizure caused a permanent brain damage, affecting your long term memory. Irrevocably. I am very sorry, but there is less than 5% chance that you will ever regain your memories prior to the seizure…’ 

Her voice trails off. She looks like she wants to say something more, more of a diagnosis, the causes and all the doctor talk but stops. It might have to do something with Robert Jacob Sugden’s raised palm telling her to stop. But he cannot be sure, because he is not looking up at her anymore. His other hand (left) is limp in his lap in front of him, on top of the hospital-white sheets. He (Robert Jacob Sugden) cannot look up at anyone right now. He couldn’t take it if he saw the devastation he feels right now on Mr. Dingle’s face. Or Liv’s silent tears again, and Chas worrying her lips, hands and arms protectively curling around her belly. 

‘Could…’ his voice breaks. He clears his throat and starts again. ‘Could all of you please leave me alone? I… I… can’t… Sorry, please… just leave. I need to be alone, please…’ he begs the sheets, still not looking up. He can feel the tears and he does not want anyone to see them. He waits, and can hear shuffling noises, footsteps leaving, door closing. 

As soon as he is alone, he breaks down. He cries and mourns the loss of one Robert Jacob Sugden. He’ll never know who he was, but for sure he was loved. So he mourns for his family, he mourns for Mr. Dingle. Mr Dingle, who lost his husband. Liv (Flaherty) who lost his brother-in-law. Chas (Dingle) who lost her son-in-law. 

But also Robert Jacob Sugden, who lost himself for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, my apologies if I made you think that Robert's memory loss has to do anything with the car chase. It has not, that and everything else is going to be explained later. Soz xD  
> Please let me know what you think, I am a nervous wreck, this fic might be huuuuuge o_O


	3. Mourning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> History lessons and revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, angst angst angst, I am so sorry but this was needed...  
> Not beta read yet, my amazing beta sugdenaddict has to work, so all mistakes are mine. I will fix the chapter later
> 
> UPDATE: betad already, thank you sugdenaddict you are a humongous help! <3

The first time he sets his eyes on his supposed home, Robert Jacob Sugden feels a sudden urge of panic. So this is where he is going to live. This is the place where he used to live. Or, someone he doesn’t know used to live. Not just lived here, but apparently built it and made it into a home.

He is learning so much about himself, but… it’s all far away and surreal. It’s like a twisted history lesson. He must have had those, he can remember things like World Wars, ancient cultures, the Middle Ages… He just has no clue how all of it got into his head. The doctors explained lots of things about his brain. Apparently his seizure affected his right lobe and wiped out his “visual” memories, and he kept the verbal ones. He can speak, read, count (he found he is exceptionally good with the last, like numbers are talking to him, but he cannot remember his own life. His own personality. His loved ones. Family.   
He is trying to re-learn himself, methodically. It’s tiring and painful.

Someone touches his elbow, and he snaps out of his contemplations. Vic. He has a little sister. Victoria. She is beautiful. And faraway. He is slowly familiarizing himself with the people who were (sorry, are) part of his life (what life?), but it’s a struggle. Still, he does it, for them, and in some twisted ways for himself. Or, at least for the himself he used to be but is not there anymore. But he won’t say that. Once in the hospital, he hinted at feeling like that to Vic and her reaction was complete and pure devastation. She completely refused to believe it to be true, and kept convincing him, how he still feels the same as before. His cockiness, his smug smiles and sarcastic, arrogant attitude. Well, at least he had some points from his mental notes checked. Robert Jacob Sugden was and is an asshole. Good. That doesn’t mean he remembers though. 

Vic grabs his elbow suddenly, and they start their short walk up to the cottage. They are just a few steps from the door when it swings open, Mr. Dingle standing in the doorway, a nervous smile playing on his lips, eyes full of uncertainty. The poor bloke looks like he doesn’t even dare to breathe, so he does the only thing that comes to his mind, and smiles. Big and only half-forced, because he remembers the last week in the hospital where he had time to decide, that yes, Mr. Dingle is a pretty likeable bloke. Yeah, he likes him just enough, so the smile is not too hard. 

‘Heya’ comes the timid voice behind Mr. Dingle, and Liv’s blond head pops up from behind the door as well. Robert Jacob Sugden feels his smile widening. 

‘Liv. Mr. Dingle…’ he jokes, but Aaron’s expression tells him, that this is somehow a sore spot, and he needs to ask about it later and corrects himself. ‘Aaron.’

‘Welcome home, Rob.’

And Robert Jacob Sugden feels like he’ll break down again, but he steels himself instead, shakes off Vic’s hand, ignoring the hurt on her pretty face, and steps into his home with a straight spine, and a thundering heart.

*************************

 

He reckons he is slowly slowly learning to cope. The Mill is still foreign but getting familiar. The first few nights he couldn’t sleep next to Mr. Dingle (Aaron, he corrects himself nowadays), so he snuck out and ventured down to try to catch some shut eye on the couch, but after Aaron caught him, with all the pain of the world written on his scruffy face, decided it wasn’t worth it. So he is getting used it. 

Aaron accuses him of still being the same old Rob with some bad kicking habits, to which he only shrugs and smugly smiles. That makes Aaron’s eyes light up with something akin to happiness, so he remembers to use that smile. 

They talk a lot. He learns that he lost his parents and that he has an adoptive brother Andy who had to flee the country. He can’t help it, but while Aaron reveals some of his life story to him, his eyes are bugging out of his head and he is actually afraid that someday they’ll pop out and he won’t be able to retract them.

He also met Seb a few times, Diane (Sugden, stepmom) and Vic are taking care of him for the time being. When he asks about where and who the mother is, they are only giving him evasive answers, but he manages to understand, that she’s passed. That somehow tears him up, and he doesn’t sleep well for a couple of nights again. He mourns for the little boy, so beautiful, so innocent. The kid is not even 1 yet, but already lost both his parents, and all other family members.

Also, this is his second marriage. He learns about Chrissie and the Whites. Sometimes, when he wants to go into more details, Aaron trails off and tells him, they should continue some other time. This frustrates him a lot, so he tries to be sneaky and ask others, but it’s like the whole damn village is on Robert lockdown. They won’t tell him anything, but they keep throwing those all knowing, pitiful glances at him, which pisses him off more and more. He is supposedly this Robert (Jacob Sugden) and the only person who doesn’t know what kind of person Robert (Jacob Sugden) is, is actually Fuckin’ Robert Jacob Sugden. 

So he hits up Google and first searches for the name Chrissie White. He knows she died in a car accident along with his father Lawrence, but this is all he knows. 

For a while he thinks that he had Seb with Chrissie, but this gets cleared up thanks to Google as well, and he has a breakdown. Looks like he not just married Chrissie White (beautiful brunette, with strength in her eyes, she resembles a majestic lioness, and though he has no recollection of her or his feelings for her, he feels a pang in her heart for such beauty being lost forever), and screwed her sister Rebecca. Who got killed by her own nephew, Lachlan. Chrissie’s son. Who apparently murdered his whole family before himself went up in flames and explosion after a lengthy car chase with the police. 

He needs to close Google and the laptop. He is hyperventilating. Robert Jacob Sugden is a monster. 

He doesn’t have the timelines figured completely yet, he doesn’t know to whom he was married to at the time he fucked Rebecca White (a soft, somehow sad looking blonde with naive eyes and flirty smile, she feels like a gentle breeze, she stands out on the family picture he found on the internet, different and a bit otherworldly). Did he love her too? 

They have a huge row that night when Aaron comes back. Aaron is defensive and worried, trying to soothe Robert, though the poor bloke looks exhausted. Robert (Jacob Sugden) the asshole though cannot stop pushing. 

‘Robert, I didn’t want to lie to you; I only wanted to break the whole thing to you slowly, mate. The doctor said you need to be careful with the information amount you are getting at the time, because you can have another seizure and it could reset your brain again or whatever, and I am not willing to…’

‘Yes, but this is supposed to be my life, Dingle, and I have no idea who I fucking am. I have snippets here and there, I am learning about myself like I used to learn history. I feel foreign to myself here and I cannot take this anymore. I have to find out from google, that I fucked up and over a whole family and they are all dead… Chrissie, Lawrence, Lachlan and Rebecca… I had to find out, that Chrissie, my ex-wife is not the mother of my son, but her sister is, whom I wither fucked while I was with you or still with Chrissie…’ at the sight of Aaron’s eyes widening, he trails off. 

‘Tell me please… I need to know’ he whispers desperately. Aaron’s shoulders sag, and he relents. They both sit down on the couch, and slowly, like he is revealing the secret of life itself (yes, he actually does, but the secret of the life of Robert Jacob Sugden, and he does not really like Robert Jacob Sugden at the moment).

‘You’ve been having an affair with Rebecca while you were dating Chrissie, and then you had an affair with me, while you were engaged and married to Chrissie. You were totally freaked out about coming out, we were a secret. We hurt people during that time Rob, real bad. We fell out for a long time, and things were messy, you were in a bad place. You’ve got shot, but please let me tell you about it another time because I can’t handle it all tonight... ‘ Mr. Dingle’s pretty blues are pleading and full of tears, and Robert has the sudden urge to hug him, but he relents and just nods.

‘Soon after we reconciled, and that is another story I’ll tell you I promise, but that is not your story, it’s mine so you don’t get a say in it when I am going to tell. But of course, we seem to be jinxed cause shit went down hard again, and you cheated on me. With Rebecca…’ Aaron raises a hand to stop him from saying anything. ‘It’s behind us, Rob. You were drunk and I was in a bad place, pushing you away and you pushed back. But we are different. We’ve changed, You’ve changed. A lot…’

When Aaron trails off, wiping away his tears, Robert Jacob Sugden stands up and starts pacing the living room. 

‘I’m a monster aren’t I?’

‘What… no, Robert you aren’t! You… you are amazing and wonderful… You are my husband, and I love you...’

He looks up, eyes sharp and tone is cutting:

‘Am I though? Your husband? Because I think that what you really brought back home is only your husband’s body. The empty shell of him. He’s dead. I’m here and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know your husband I don’t know how he felt about you, about any of you and his-your family, Mr. Dingle... Are you sure you want to carry on? I look like your husband, I have his body but I need to build up Robert Jacob Sugden from scratch and I can’t make any promises for us. For this. But I want you to know, that this Robert Jacob Sugden likes you... I just don't know where we'll go from here, ok? But I know, that this will take a long time and I need me. And I possibly am going to need you, but on my terms, because I am this close to breaking, and I... I... I need to leave. Now.’

Mr. Dingle just looks up at him from his place on the couch, seemingly unable to move, so he goes to him, drops to his knees in front of him, and letting some instincts take over, he leans in and plants a chaste kiss on those pretty lips. It’s painful. Mr. Dingle’s eyes are red and puffy, his face tear strained, and Robert Jacob Sugden can feel the sting of his own tears. He pulls away, stands up and goes to leave. 

‘Rob…’

‘No, I need this. I’ll be at Vic’s. And I’ll call you. But please let me go for now... ‘

He watches Mr. Dingle’s face crumple, and he can feel his own heart shattering at the sight. But he has to go and he has to figure himself out. He needs to somehow get on equal footing with the man in front of him if they want to take this anywhere in the future. There is no past for him to build on, so he needs his present and see where that takes him. Them. 

He leaves and softly closes the door behind himself, finally being able to breathe. He’ll build up a Robert Jacob Sugden he can love, and they will take it from there. He needs to stop mourning and start being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me, I promise this is going to go somewhere ok? Let me know what you think :)


	4. Starting Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert (Jacob Sugden) learns a few things about himself, by himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta read yet, will post the betad chapter as soon as it's done, again thank you so much sugdenaddit for your help!
> 
> Please see some warnings (because they are spoiler-ish) at the end of the chapter!
> 
> UPDATE: betad, thank you again sugdenaddict! <3 your help is life to this fic!!

Staying at Vic’s is both easier and harder at the same time. Easier because she lives alone and is hardly at home, and even if she is, strangely she lets him be. Of course there are some sad glances, curious and searching like she is trying to find her brother behind the face of a man currently staying in her guest bedroom. The brother that is not there anymore, but he keeps his mouth shut.

Strangely (or not) he misses Mr. Dingle. And Liv. Speaking of, the little blond sass-bomb fired him a few texts the first night he spent at Vic’s.

Liv: Did you just bloody move out?

Me: Hello Liv. I am fine, thank you. And you?

Liv: I can come over if you fancy it

Me: No, I didn’t move out. I just need space but I’ll be back. Go to sleep it’s a school night.

No reply came that night but over the next few days and weeks she would occasionally ask how he is doing to which he always replied as honestly as possible. 

He spent most of his time browsing the internet, and reading. He knows that he is good with maths and he’s been told that he is a fairly good businessman who likes sweets. Chocolates are the best thing in the world, and this was the first thing he figured out without others telling him. It actually made him so happy, that he jumped up and went over to The Mill to tell Mr. Dingle about it. As he blurted it out, he kind of felt silly, but the way those blue eyes softened while he just babbled away was no joke. 

He left The Mill that day with butterflies in his stomach and another factual knowledge gained. Robert (Jacob Sugden) really really likes Mr. Dingle’s smile. 

For the next few days he felt giddy and energetic, gaining smiles from Vic and actually making friends with Seb. At the beginning he was afraid to see the boy, knowing what kind of griefs he caused, but he had to admit: memories or not, monster or not, dead or alive, there is one thing Robert (Jacob Sugden) got right. This little boy (his little boy) was perfect. That night he called Mr. Dingle and told him all about it. They kept talking on the phone for almost an hour, which was really ridiculous which was really ridiculous because they were rarely far from one another in such a small village. But it felt nice. 

And Robert (Jacob Sugden) decided right there and then, that he very much likes Mr. Dingle’s soft and raspy voice.

‘Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow?’ he blurted out suddenly the next time they ran into each other at David’s shop. Mr. Dingle’s baby blues widened, and the smile he decided he loves also made an appearance. 

‘Ya askin’ me out on a date, Sugden?’ 

And his mind might be a white sheet of paper, or an empty book as far as memories and his previous life (yes, he decided that it was a life he is not going to feel obligated to) goes, but he still was pretty sure that Mr. Dingle just flirted with him. So he grinned back, carefree and happy, nodding his head and quirking an eyebrow.

‘I guess I am, Dingle. What’s your answer?’

‘Got yourself a date then Sugden. I’ll see you tomorrow’ 

Of course by the time he reached the pub with Vic later that day everyone knew. Chas Dingle also appeared in front of him at some point, with narrowed eyes, and Robert Sugden broke within seconds under her stare.

‘Yes, I asked your son out on a date. Hope that is OK with you? I mean I… I don’t remember anything, but I swear I like him and… and I can learn to be his Robert again and…’ he trailed off when Chas put her fingers on his face.

‘I do not want you to re-learn his Robert again, Robert Sugden. I want you to show him the Robert Sugden that is in there now. I know that you’re also only getting to know him, but show him what is there and I am sure you’ll be fine. But… if you hurt my baby, I just might ask Cain to have a talk with you. Is that clear?’

He could do nothing but nod, mouth slightly hanging open (yes, he might have heard from a few tales by now that Robert Sugden used to be on the wrong side of Chas Dingle for a very long time), because Chas’s words cut deep. Not the threats (ok, those too, he might have met Cain Dingle a couple of times since he came to in the hospital and the bloke gave him the chills), but the understanding. How she just understood what Robert Sugden needs right now. How he is trying to rebuild himself, not rebuild Robert Jacob Sugden the previous. 

There were times he felt despair. Especially when thinking of his son, his family, his husband. If he let it get to him, he felt the loss with his whole being. He cursed inwardly and cried in the darkness of Vic’s guest bedroom. Yes, he decided to let his old self go, the one everyone had memories about and with, but himself. He decided to get to know himself from scratch and there were parts he really enjoyed (chocolate and burgers, and blue eyes and soft smiles on a scruffy face for example), but sometimes it got really hard. Sometimes, the more he liked Mr. Dingle, the more he loved his son and Liv, the closer he got to Liv and Diane, the more he felt the loss as well. 

So yes, it wasn’t always easy. Most of the time it was really hard, but but there were a few facts he knew: he really started to like Mr. Dingle, he more than loved his son and Liv, and he got closer to Vic and Diane. And it helped. Kept him going. 

And now, now he had a date to look forward to. And he was kinda pretty much looking forward to it.

****************

The date gets postponed. Chas goes into labour soon after their talk, and her baby doesn’t survive. 

They ask him not to come to the hospital, Chas only wants Paddy and Aaron there, not even others from the Dingle clan are allowed to visit her before she gets released, which hurts somehow and for some reason (yes, he really likes these people), but a spectacularly drunk Aaron Dingle turns up later that night on Vic’s doorstep (really, more like early morning hours) and he is a mess, and after crying for almost an hour he promptly falls asleep on his lap. 

And so he spends the next fer hours sitting on Vic’s couch, fingers tangled in soft, brown curls, barely daring to breathe as he is afraid of waking up the scruffy beauty on his lap. 

 

The next few days, weeks are a mess. He offers to go back and stay at The Mill, but gets turned down by Aaron, who reasons that Robert needs to take care of himself first, and jabs in that Aaron really needs to be there for his mum and won’t have time for Robert. Which is bullshit. And it hurts. He might not remember who he used to be or how he used to be, but he is no invalid, thank you very much.

Liv’s anger at her brother softens the blow, at least he is not completely useless. Some people could use his presence, so he goes regardless and stays mostly with Liv when her brother is asleep or over at Paddy’s to help him take care of Chas. 

They talk a lot. Liv sometimes brings up how Robert Sugden used to be, especially when she finds similarities between back then and now. 

He tries to explain to her, that he is not, to which Liv argues, that his instincts, his heart and his mind is still the same, and that he is not only his memories.

To that he reluctantly agrees, but tells her ‘Yes. But I am still me and not him. He is someone you guys have memories of but I don’t. And I cannot live my life with your memories of a bloke I will never know. But I have a chance to get to know what and who I am now, and I actually am OK with it.’ at her sceptical look he relents. ‘Mostly OK with it. I miss my memories sure. I would give a lot to get them back, to remember loving all of you. But you know what’s really amazing? That even without those memories, I still am falling for all of you, all over again. And that part of getting to know this Robert Jacob Sugden is more than amazing.’

After that, Liv just hugs him for dear life, and Robert Sugden realizes, how afraid she must have been all the time, and that fear being of the current Robert Jacob Sugden not loving her (them really) anymore or ever again. He hugs her back and they fall asleep like two desperate octopi, all tangled up on the couch of their home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize to those who do not like Seb, but in this fic Robert is again falling in love with his son.  
> I do not hate Rebecca either, I only killed her off for plot's sake and I hope she'll survive on the show.
> 
> That being sad I know that many of you do not like him, but I'd like to ask you to accept that he is important to Robert in my story. I understand if you cannot, but please do not leave nasty comments regarding this topic. Thank you all, I hope you loved it, and yes, tomorrow I am going to try to type out The Date :)


	5. New is the Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is getting used to his humble self with some ups and downs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta'd yet, all mistakes are mine and mine alone :)
> 
> UPDATE: betad by the lovely sugdenaddict! thank you so much!

Robert Jacob Sugden. Born 22nd of April,1986. Emmerdale. Son of Jack and Pat Sugden. Son of Sarah Sugden. Son of Diane Sugden. Deceased are Jack, Pat and Sarah.   
Siblings of Jackie, Sandy, Tommy, Victoria, Andy. 

Names. Photographs. Dead or left and never heard of again. Diane is still around though and she loves to talk to Robert about his past. Even if it was about people he couldn’t even remember before his memory loss. Which is a strange concept and makes him smile. 

It’s still hard, but it’s getting… somewhere. He is used to it by now. Here and there he still can see faces that are new but mostly he already has memories and feelings connected to most of them around him. And he loves each of those snippets. Memories. He hangs onto them and sometimes he smiles at people with no visible reason. When Cain tells him that this was not the case with his old self, Robert smiles even wider at the old gruff who gets so flustered that he gets up and leaves with a puffed up chest. That is the first time they hear Chas laugh after the death of her daughter. Aaron’s little sister. Even Cain stops outside the bar door and shrugs with a half smile.

Robert keeps his smiles. Even if people don’t understand. He doesn’t really care if they do to be honest. It’s his. He just smiles, because even if he doesn’t really like someone, there still are memories. His own. And his own decision based on them memories if he likes them or not. And Robert (Jacob Sugden 2.0) fucking loves Chas Dingle. 

Strangely they bond. Somehow Chas is the only person who doesn’t try to find the old Robert but seems fully content to getting to know the Robert in front of her. Some villagers talk sometimes, and Robert hears them. How he is a better person since he lost his memories. Once it happens while Chas is present. There is a huge tantrum and Robert has to drag her away. Bodily. 

Robert has the feeling that Chas can relax in his company. One night where they are having some after closing drinks Chas explains with slightly slurring words, and it really makes sense after.

‘Dontya think Sugden that I didn’t hate ya’ cause I did, I really did. But… Ya changed ya know… Even before… before the memory fuckup. I didn’t hate ya for a time now. But… this is different. I’m usin’ ya now. Ya’re the only person in this goddam place that has no pity in their eyes. Ya’ve got pretty eyes Sugden.’

Robert snorts. 

‘And Chas, you’re the only one who doesn’t look at me with pity. Like… like you’re not looking for everyone’s Robert of the Past.’ 

Chas snorts into her beer. 

‘Charming, Dingle. Really.’ 

‘Shu’up Sugden. I like ya. Don’t ruin it ya hear? Ya’re your own person Robert. There is nothing to pity. Love how you came back. Fighting. Loving my son again. Liv. Us. How ya fought for us, strangers to ya. To know us. Makes sense?’

‘No, not really. But… yeah. And I don’t see anything to pity. I don’t know you Chas, I am just getting to know you. But… you’re strong. You’ve lost your baby but you’re still here. Fighting. You’re amazing Chas…’ 

‘Nah, I’m really not. But ya don’t remember so I’ll leave ya to it. I… I need someone who doesn’t know me. I need someone who won’t be looking at me and think, poor Chas went through so much and now this. I need sanity and normalcy Robert because if I didn’t have ya I’d lose it…’

Her voice cracks and there are tears in her eyes and her face is soft and pleading. 

The next day Robert moves into Aaron’s old room above the bar. Chas just nods and they don’t really talk about the previous night but people start talking less about Robert. Not many want to piss off Chas Dingle. 

Also seeing Aaron’s pretty face all confused when he runs into Robert upstairs is worth everything. 

*****************

He is “sharing” the custody now over Seb with Vic and Diane. At the beginning he tries to keep Seb away from Chas, but then she gives him the devil eyes when she notices, and after that he brings Seb for overnight stays sometimes. It takes time, but Chas eventually starts to compensate her loss a bit by pampering Sebastian. 

Paddy corners him once and asks with his stuttering awkwardness if Robert thinks that Chas is acting out of character. Robert looks at him like the guy just grew a second head, one full with fluffy hair. After that Paddy blushes for a week every time he sees Robert and Robert can’t decide if he wants to hit him or laugh at him. 

Aaron spends even more time at the Woolpack now. He is either hanging with Robert or behind Chas, fussing. Liv drags him away sometimes, or just sits down next to Robert and they watch with amusement as Aaron squirms under Chas’s ministrations or riot act readings. Aaron calls them evil but then grabs Seb out of Liv’s lap and starts playing with him.

Robert really loves seeing them together. The more information he has on how Seb came to their lives, the more impressed and grateful he is for Aaron still being there. 

It’s really inevitable. Slowly he learns the smaller details (either village gossipers or he puts two and two together from half-words) of his old life, and has a small breakdown. 

The excess of damage he caused with his fling with Rebecca. Aaron’s mental health issues and self harming. 

He has a bigger breakdown when it slips out of Paddy that he caused the death of Andy’s wife. Chas hits Paddy on the shoulder and sends him out.   
Robert just keeps looking at her with narrowed eyes and Chas silently looks at him, before she sighs and starts talking.

‘It was an accident Robert. You pushed her and the floor broke under her weight. She fell through down the floor below and broke her neck.’

Robert swallows.

‘Why did I push her?’

‘She was threatening to out your affair with Aaron.’ 

‘Really. An accident… How… convenient don’t you think?’

Chas doesn’t answer. She just steps up close to him and puts an arm on his shoulder and Robert can’t breathe. His throat closes up and he doubles over, panting and heaving. He wants to cry but the tears aren’t coming. Chas hold onto him, lowers him onto the couch and keeps rubbing his back, instructing him on how to breathe. 

He starts crying after finding his breath again. 

Chas grabs his chin and forces him to look up in her eyes.

‘It was an accident.’ she says simply. With force and conviction. She believes it and she wants to convey that to Robert. But there is also pain in her eyes but it just flickers up for a second and then it’s gone. And Robert (Jacob Sugden) being the coward he is won’t ask. 

 

***********************

 

Eventually they go on that date, and they don’t talk about Robert moving back to The Mill for now. 

The date is simple and easy. Robert’s stomach won’t stop fluttering though but it’s nice. They talk and laugh. It only happens twice that Aaron slips up and mentions Robert 1.0 but it’s ok. By now Aaron learned how to mention the Robert-Before-Sugden without longing. Robert-Now-Sugden though is pretty sure, that Aaron’s still missing his husband, but at least he is willing to get to know him again. All in all the date goes amazingly well, Robert is laughing a lot, and Aaron’s smile lights up his baby blues and Robert has to ruin everything. 

He leans forward and kisses Aaron. 

For a second Aaron is kissing back, but in the next moment he is standing up so abruptly that his chair flies back with a loud thud. 

Robert looks up, eyes wide and hurt, his chest tight. Did he misread Aaron’s feelings? He’s confused.

Aaron’s breathing is erratic, and he is wiping his mouth, 

‘I’m sorry Rob but I can’t. Not like this. I’m in this with my whole heart and I love you. I loved you and I’ll always do even now, the you that is searching for himself. But I can’t do this. Not while you aren’t fully invested. Not while this is just a searching game for you to find out who Robert is who he wants to be. 

Anger. He also stands up, stepping around the table, in front of Aaron, their noses almost touching. He starts quietly, but find himself raising his voice with each word, because he really really needs to get through to Aaron, whose face and eyes are all closed off walls now and it hurts too much.

'How do you expect me to be in there with you if you don't let me in? I know that you’re in it with your heart, but you’re keeping me at arms length saying that you love me and that you can’t handle that I don't feel the same, that it's just experimenting for me. But how do you want me to get there where you are? What I gathered I kept hurting you all the time. I made you self-harm, I made you ill. Apparently you were better off without the old me but you came back to me. This is a clean slate me, who really likes you and wants to see where we could go, but you’re blocking our path, making it impossible. When we first met, we both had our journey towards falling in love didn’t we? I’m... I think I’m at the beginning of that journey again, so please let me in, let me have this, let me have you... I want to know if this goes to where I think it will go, I need to know if we can be us again…’

He runs out of words and stops. Aaron’s face is unreadable and Robert can feel his heart breaking a bit. He can’t stay there. He shoulders through to the door and leaves without a backward glance, and keeps walking into the night. He is equally disappointed and relieved when no one follows him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooops sorry for the mess and the cliffhanger... please don't hate me.  
> also thank you again for reading and sticking with me :)


	6. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As per the chapter title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter chapter, sorry :) Un-betad yet all mistakes are my own
> 
> and now Betad, thank you sugdenaddict <33333

Of course he gets lost. Because early December evenings are just perfect to wander around, especially for those who have no memories but had a row with their forgotten-husbands. Not. 

He sighs to let some of the frustration go and looks around again. Trees. Chas is gonna kill him and Aaron will hide the body while Liv is on lookout. Vic will help for sure as well. 

The cold is seeping through his leather jacket so he grabs his cell and dials Chas.

‘Robert? Where are you?’

‘Um, Chas… don’t freak out please…’

‘ROBERT JACOB SUGDEN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?’ 

Yeah, he’s dead. 

‘Chas, please… nothing bad.’ He stops and considers. ‘Ok, nothing too bad. Got lost. In the woods.

‘YOU WHAT? Bloody... Can you see anything?’

‘Trees.’

‘...’

Robert almost certain, that he can see the very unimpressed expression Chas must be wearing right now.

‘Sorry Chas. Apparently I didn’t get to keep my memories of the woods around here either.’

An exasperated sigh comes through the phone, and then:

‘In which direction did you go from the bar?’ 

‘Left the village through the bridge and turned onto the path from there. I don’t know more, just realized suddenly that I’m not on the path anymore and… Chas I don’t know where I am.’

His voice is a bit smaller then he’d like it to be.

‘Ok, don’t move, stay there. And keep moving otherwise you’ll freeze.’

‘I thought you said…’

‘Don’t you dare finish that sentence Robert Sugden or my Aaron’ll become a very sad widower.’

At that Robert lets out a little huff of laughter, and then speaks up again.

‘Please don’t tell Aaron, Chas.’

‘I’m sorry luv, he’s next to me, jacket on and ready to go. He heard everything.’

‘No Chas, don’t bring him I can’t face him tonight.’

‘Like I could ‘not bring’ him. He ain’t no bag you know. And I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing I can say to him to keep him here. He’s worried sick you know.’

And Robert can hear his forgotten-husband speak up in the background.

‘If he thinks I’m not goin’ than he lost more than memories, that idiot. Let’s go mum!’

‘We’ll find you luv, don’t worry.’

‘Actually that now just made me worry.’ he mutters.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Nothing, sorry. Just, frustrated I guess.’

‘We’re on our way don’t worry. Keep talkin’ Sugden.’ 

So he talks. About his frustration with Aaron, how he just felt it was right to kiss him and how he is afraid of Aaron turning him down again. 

‘Chas I really think I could love him. Again. But… I need him to be there for it. I have literally nothing to hang on to besides the very few memories I’ve made in less than two months. And he’s taking up not just a huge part of those, but also he occupies my mind all the time lately and I… Did I make a mistake? Is he not ready? Chas I know he loved Robert, THE Robert I ain’t him and I won’t ever be. I mean… I know I’m rubbish, or at least I used to be, or he used to be, but... ‘

‘Robert.’ Chas voice is soft. Softer than ever. Ok ever as of two months ago.

‘I’m sorry Chas. Let’s hang up I need to move. It’s really cold.’ He huffs a little laugh for reassurance and presses the end call button. 

 

By the time they do find him he’s literally hopping from one foot to the other, hands hidden under his armpits. He must look kind of pitiful, because only Liv punches him in the arm before hugging him. Chas also engulfs him in a mama-bear hug, and he sniffs a little bit into her neck. He gets her scarf for his troubles and someone throws a pair of gloves in his face. Go figure, Cain Dingle.

He can see (or more like feel) Aaron also there, but he refuses to acknowledge. He’s not angry, but definitely needs more time.

Still as Chas grabs his shoulder and starts leading him out and away, he makes sure his hand brushes against Aaron’s arm for a second, and from the corner of his eye he can see Aaron’s shoulders sag. Relief on that pretty face.   
Chas squeezes his shoulder, approvingly but keeps her eyes up front on the road Cain is leading them with a flashlight. Though there is a ghost of a smile playing on her lips and Robert can breathe again. Maybe, he’ll be alright. Maybe he didn’t screw it up yet. 

********************

Vic fusses and makes tea enough to keep an army warm. Liv refuses to leave and spend the night curling up at Robert’s side; they both fall asleep downstairs on the couch watching telly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted this 'filler' part out of my system before the next bigger step, thank you for reading, kudosing (lol I know) and commenting :) Love you guys! And yes, there will be smut ;) eventually


	7. Aaron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's POV - from before the seizure and what led to it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You people asked for it, and I also planned on writing it so here we go. Hope you'll enjoy.
> 
> Betad now, thank you again sugdendingle <3333 
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos and comments, you people are amazing!

 

The police interrupted them during reception this time. At least they waited till they were official.  
They’ve found a body and needed Robert to go in to identify. Rebecca.  
It was her. Signs of early decay on her face, eyes closed face completely void of life. Some say the dead look like sleeping but Aaron thinks that’s bullshit. The dead look like the dead look like death. 

Sleep is peaceful, death is void. 

He still shudders at the thought and takes a very distraught Robert home. Tries to feed him and later puts him to bed but the poor lad barely reacts, only when Aaron slips in the bed next to him, he turns around and cuddles up to him like the damn octopus he is. 

Aaron’s worried. Robert won’t eat and his sleep is fitful; he is restless even in his dreams. Once he disappears for almost almost a whole day, and they find him in the graveyard, visiting his mother.

The next day Robert goes to work, has a row with Joe and Jimmy and comes home in a rage, that changes into grief and then apathy. He is a bit like an empty shell. He won’t even look at Seb, just talks about how he failed his son. How sorry he is that he’s lost his mother, because Robert is a screw up. 

Aaron’s worried but it’s futile to calm Robert down. 

Less than a week after their wedding Robert suffers another seizure and is taken to the hospital, where he remains unconscious for a while, and when he finally comes to, Aaron’s world falls apart. 

Void. His husband is dead. 

 

************************

 

Chas and Liv keep him going and Vic actually slaps him when the night before they can take Robert home he gets drunk and utters out, that now they have to share their home with a stranger, because Robert is dead. 

The slap is deserved, and it manages to shake him up a bit. Liv and Chas look like they are also this close to give him one, so he pushes his last beer away and asks for a coffee and apologizes. He is terrified. His husband is not there, not in soul and mind, only in body. The doctors explained, that there shouldn’t be a huge character-change, it’s still Robert, but he’ll never remember how Robert was. 

They also predicted, that Robert most likely is going to have the same hobbies and tastes as before, his talents also aren’t affected - great, so he’ll remain a smug, cocky bastard, what’s not to like - it’s like losing the pictures during a movie, and having only the script from it. The concept is alien and terrifying for Aaron, but Liv is amazing as always and just flows with it.

‘Don’t be daft Aaron. Robert’s not his memories only. He’s there and he lives. And if what the doctors said is true, then he’ll most likely be crazy about ya’ again in no time. His tastes haven’t changed, it’s still Robert. Aaron you can’t reduce him into his memories because then you’ll lose him. For real. Yeah, your past for him is lost but that don’t mean there’s no future, right?’

And Liv is right of course but it’s still not easy. 

************************

They literally have to give Robert the grand tour around the apartment. He already knows that it was him who made it into their home and Aaron watched like a hawk for any recognition. He knows it’s stupid, but he can’t give up hope. Not like that.

Of course Robert’s eyes remain void but there is curiosity in them, and it slowly turns into appreciation. Liv might’ve had a point in there. Robert still seems to like the interior of the Mill. Yes, Aaron loves it too but mostly because it has Robert written all over it. It’s always Robert for him, and apparently post-memory loss Robert still is Robert enough to like their home.

Robert’s voice shakes him out of his thoughts.

‘I’m glad to see that I’m a man of fine taste.’ His voice is smug and pleased, and when he looks up, Aaron’s breath catches in his throat for a second. The void in Robert’s eyes - even if only fleetingly - has been replaced by cocky. Aaron wants to cry, and judging by the sound of Liv’s laughter she is also on the verge of crying. 

************************

Sometimes Robert calls him Mr. Dingle and it doesn’t help. It always breaks something in Aaron, so he keeps glaring at his husband, who eventually stops and just calls him Aaron. Robert shouldn’t call him Mr. Dingle, Robert should call him Mr. Sugden. That was their game. 

Of course he knows it’s not fair. This Robert has no idea what he’s done wrong but Aaron still is reluctant to explain it to him. He doesn’t want to give ‘memories’ back to Robert. Some childish, petulant part of him desperately and stubbornly wants Robert to remember.  
And he can’t help it but feel like Robert betrayed him by forgetting them. Their marriage. Their past. The wedding vows. The amazing sex. 

Aaron’s craving Robert’s body as well. He always loved his husband’s body, loved playing it like some fucking instrument, loved how responsive Robert always was to Aaron’s touches. Aaron knew how to render Robert into a whimpering, panting mess with just his fingertips and tongue. The problem is, he still knows. The one who forgot all of Aaron’s touches is Robert. It’s Robert who’s eyes now are void of love and lust when they run into each other after Aaron’s finished showering, and is only wrapped in a towel.  
Robert used to touch him all the time. Not always sexually, but always intimately. Now the most he can get is a slight blush creeping up Robert’s beautiful face, highlighting his pretty skin and freckles, then Robert ducks his head and disappears in their bedroom. 

Well, Robert is still kicking in his sleep and Aaron tells him so after the second night, that he still is terrible. The smug smile he receives in lieu of an answer makes him grin for the rest of the morning. 

************************

Robert finds out some horrible bits and pieces of his own past, and they have a huge row.  
When Robert calls himself a monster, Aaron’s heart breaks for him. He is still getting used to this pure, sometimes childlike version on Robert and although the feeling of his husband being dead is still there in his mind, he still wants to protect this Rob so he blurts out the first thing:

‘What… no, Robert you aren’t! You… you are amazing and wonderful… You are my husband, and I love you...’

The look Robert gives him is full of hard edges, self-loathing and disbelief. 

‘Am I though? Your husband? Because I think that what you really brought back home is only your husband’s body. The empty shell of him. He’s dead. I’m here and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know your husband I don’t know how he felt about you, about any of you and his-your family, Mr. Dingle... Are you sure you want to carry on? I look like your husband, I have his body but I need to build up Robert Jacob Sugden from scratch and I can’t make any promises for us. For this. But I want you to know, that this Robert Jacob Sugden likes you... I just don't know where we'll go from here, ok? But I know, that this will take a long time and I need me. And I possibly am going to need you, but on my terms, because I am this close to breaking, and I... I... I need to leave. Now.’

Aaron is too numb to do anything. Robert just voiced his utmost inner fears. Robert Jacob Sugden is dead and Aaron has no idea what to do with the man who is in front of him, dropping to his knees and kissing him softly. 

************************

Aaron is freaking out a little bit. He still doesn’t know what to do with this Robert, but he can still feel the pull. Though he moved out, he still visits. Sometimes with Seb, but mostly alone. One day he turns up with the biggest smile on his face and babbles around about chocolates for a couple of minutes and Aaron just fucking wants to kiss him. But he doesn’t. Something stops him, and it’s the cold and gripping fear of betrayal. He’s betraying his husband. He likes the bloke in front of him and he is betraying his dead husband, his memory. 

Something cold and cruel squeezes his heart, but later when Robert asks him out on a dinner, with those huge, innocent eyes and that sunshine of a smile, Aaron can’t say no. God, he loves that face. It’s Robert’s face, even if Robert is dead. It’s confusing, the stirring feelings he has. He always loved Robert, in his whole. Face, body, mind and soul. Now, there is the same face, the same body, it’s the mind that is missing. He can see glimpses of the soul though and it’s even more confusing. 

But for now he settles on going out on that date, while reminding himself of Liv’s and the doctor’s words of Robert not losing his personality, only his memories. And yes, memories and experiences are shaping one’s personality, but the core is the same. It’s still Robert, just younger. Naive and innocent. Aaron’s too tired of fighting him, so he just decides to go with the flow.

************************

They have to postpone the date. Grace dies and Aaron is too busy mourning a little sister he’ll never know. It’s too much.  
Chas and Paddy are broken shells and Aaron needs to be there for them. When Robert offers to move back in to the Mill Aaron flat out refuses, because he is on the verge of breaking down and an everyday reminder of the husband he lost right now would be unbearable. 

He needs to be there for his mum and Paddy, he needs every last ounce of his power to be able to stay on his feet, and he can’t spare any thoughts and feelings for Robert and Aaron. Or what they used to be. 

He pushes down the guilt he feels at the hurt in Robert’s eyes and goes back into caretaker mode. 

He still catches Robert sometimes there, once he is sleeping on the couch, snuggled up with Liv and Aaron actually feels himself relax. It’s so normal. So domestic. Liv is so much stronger and braver than Aaron. She just pours all her love for Robert into this Robert and doesn’t care about the past. Or if she does, she is not afraid of facing the present. For Robert. Aaron envies her strength, but he’s still struggling. 

************************

Apparently Robert Sugden is still a charmer. With the little difference of now this charm is used to help people, to make things better. For others. People in the village genuinely like him and talk less and less about his past self. 

Also, Robert somehow weasels himself in Chas’s heart and Aaron is more than confused when he notices, that Robert moved in above the bar to be near her. When he confronts his mum, she just gives him that half-smile, shrugs and good naturedly tells him to mind his own business. 

Strangely it works. Chas has a ‘son’ and Robert gets a ‘mom’. They cling to each other, almost disturbingly. Paddy is more than confused, but he also calms after a few days of seeing them interact. Chas smiles again. And Aaron Fucking Dingle just wants to cry because he is so overwhelmed. He gets to see glimpses of what could have been if Robert had different influences from his childhood on. 

All the potential he used to see in Robert, the capability of loving so fiercely, the unwavering loyalty and protectiveness that he used to see in him, because Robert used to show him that hidden side of him, but only him now is visible to everyone.  
Aaron almost has a coronary when he overhears someone talking about the ‘old’ Robert’s evil ways but before he can step in, Cain is already up there, all threatening and ruffled protectiveness. 

What the fuck did just happen? This is like bizarro land and Aaron needs to wake up. 

************************

Really, it makes sense, that their date is a disaster. Or, at least it ends in disaster.

Robert kisses him, and Aaron freaks out. Chas glares. 

When Robert calls Chas and confesses to her of being lost in the forest, the fear paralyzes Aaron for a few seconds, but then he shakes it off and grabs his jacket, ready to go. He pushes down the images of Robert alone out there in the cold and dark forest in only his leather jacket, maybe being there all night and freezing to… No, he can’t think like that. So Aaron does what he always does best, and focuses all his fears into one goal. Find Robert. He can’t lose him again. 

The strangest thing is, that he can see the same determination on Chas’s face. 

************************

The next day is a mess, Chas’s fussing over Robert, Vic’s fussing over Robert and Liv refuses to leave the Woolpack, staying with Robert for most of the day (after spending the night). 

So it really is surprising when Robert turns up at the Mill, apparently somehow managing to snuck out, to talk. Aaron invites him in, they sit down on the couch, and Aaron can see Robert taking a deep breath. There is a flash on confusion on Robert’s face and then he blurts it out.

‘Aaron, I love you.’

And Aaron’s whole world stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :) kudos and comments are welcome as always


	8. Three Little Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the 'I love you'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys for disappearing, but kind of had some hard times and pretty bad news to deal with, still dealing with them, but I'll try to write a bit more because it actually helps with coping with my friend's illness, BUT no more on that please.
> 
> Also sorry for the mistakes, not betad yet.

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Robert regrets them. He regrets them, because Aaron is pale and his face is unreadable, eyes fixed on Robert’s knees. 

It’s not like he came over with the intention of saying this. He just wanted to talk about last night. About the kiss. About them. But somehow he blurted it out. And though he regrets it, it’s not because it’s not true. It is very true.   
Robert Sugden 2.0 is in love with Aaron Dingle. He doesn’t remember loving Aaron before, but that doesn’t matter. He does now and he feels alive with the feeling. 

When Aaron finally looks up, Robert can feel his heart shattering. There is so much pain and confusion and hardness in those beautiful blue orbs. He wants to lean in, and kiss the pain away, and he does so, without thinking, but Aaron puts his palms firmly on Robert’s chest and gently pushes him away.

‘No.’ is all he says. It hurts more than anything else. It’s worse than waking up with a mind of a snow field. 

‘What?’ is all he manages to croak out, voice breaking.

‘No. I said no.’ Aaron stands up and takes a step away. ‘Don’t. I can’t… Not like this. Robert, I’m sorry but I can’t. I love… I loved you, the one that’s gone. Forever. And it’s like your body’s here, you are looking at me with his eyes, you are smiling his smiles, but then all of it… at the end, what made us us, is just gone. And I’m just feeling this strange pull towards you, but… but I’m not sure it’s real. If it’s you, or him or just the fact that you look like him and it’s so terrifying and confusing and I can’t deal with this, Robert, please…’

Finally Aaron stops talking, and sucks in a painful, surprised breath. He must see something on Robert’s face, or his eyes that make him stop, stop even breathing. If Robert thought that that little ‘no’ before hurt, then he obviously didn’t know pain before. Aaron just denied his existence. His persona.   
It took a long time for him to accept his own self as Robert Jacob Sugden. To identify himself with the name given to him by ‘strangers’ and Aaron just dismissed it completely. Declared him dead. Robert’s biggest fear. His identity lost. Forever. And Aaron confirmed it. 

He suddenly realizes that he’s been staring at Aaron, who looks terrified and like he’s regretting ever opening his mouth. And in so much pain. That is the worse though, so Robert stands up, puts on a shaky smile, and gently brushes a finger down Aaron’s scruff.

‘Okay. It’s okay.’ 

And he leaves, ignoring Aaron’s desperate calls or that he tries to catch up to him. He gently closes the Mill’s door and keeps walking.

********************

When he later enters the bar, he can hear Chas shouting down on her phone full of glee.

‘He WHAT?’ then after a long pause, she shouts again, but this time her voice is full of horror. ‘YOU WHAT?’

That’s also the second she notices Robert standing there, and the utter emptiness and confusion must be shown on his face, because she quickly whispers ‘I’ll call you back later’ in the receiver and hangs up. 

‘Robert…’ 

‘Is that who I am?’ he wanted to snap, but it came out more like a whine. 

‘Of course luv… Look I know Aaron said some very stupid things and trust me, I’m gonna have some words with my boy later, but first I need you to listen to me ok? Just because you can’t remember, you are you. I mean yeah you’ve changed, but it’s not something completely new. You’ve started to change before. The real you started to show its face even before your memory loss. And what I can see now is something that Robert Sugden couda’ been from the beginning under different circumstances. All I can see is now is you, Robert Sugden and I know that I need you and I know that my stupid son also needs you, and now let me hug you and then go and kick some sense into his stubborn arse. C’mon here luv.’

And with that, Chas envelopes him in a big mama bear hug which he returns on autopilot, without really feeling it.   
Chas then leaves, most likely to go over to the Mill and Robert is left standing alone in the empty pub, feeling exhausted and broken and utterly defeated. 

He grabs the first bottle from the shelf, goes to the back in the living room, drops his sorry ass down the couch and starts drinking. 

He learns really fast, that he isn’t really a vodka person, but tonight anything will do so he just keeps drinking until he is completely numb. The pain is just a dull throb in the background, and suddenly he feels restless. He needs to get out and fast.   
Possibly out of his skin. Of Robert Sugden’s skin. Because he is just some imposter who took over this body with a zero all over in his mind and stole the love of Aaron’s life. 

The thought actually makes him giggle. He can clearly see it. Getting out of this skin, this body and like some Creepy Casper whispering to Aaron; here you go, I’ll leave him to you. And then he actually disappears into thin air. That certainly would make Aaron happy. Right now Robert would give anything for a happy Aaron. If he could, he’d single handedly would destroy present Robert to get past Robert back. Shame, because he actually kind of sort of started to like present Rob. Or, at least gotten a bit familiar with him. He liked all these feelings he developed. His love for his so called family, but right now again, he is not sure, he has one. He’s pretty sure, that past Rob has… sorry, had a family. Him? Not so much. 

Chas’s words are also ringing now in his head, but they seem so surreal and muddy. Just like the pain he felt. A background noise. Actually, his whole existence and life feels like that. A background noise, without a right to existence. 

The need to get out, somehow, anyhow suddenly hits him like a ton of bricks. He drops the vodka bottle on the ground, stands up, grabs his car keys - yes, they did test it, his body remembered driving, but not the car and the trips -, because nothing is better for getting out than a good drive. Or so he’s been told. 

He sits behind his - Robert Sugden, deceased - wheel and starts the engine. He throws his - yes his, he actually got it new last week - on the passenger's seat and starts driving aimlessly. Dark roads stretch ahead of him and he gets the sudden urge to open the window, to feel the cold cold air hitting him, freeing him. 

His eyes sting in the chill night air, and he accelerates even more, when his phone starts buzzing. As he looks down, the name Aaron flashes on the screen, and he can’t turn his eyes away. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron… Just after the buzzing ends and the screen returns to dark does he raise his eyes back on the road, and something dark flashes in front of the car. Maybe an animal, or a shadow, or his drunken, exhausted mind is playing games with him, but he serves the wheel and puts his feet down on the break - not fast enough. He can see a huge tree coming towards the front of the car, then it all explodes into metal crash and breaking glass and then silence, only broken by his phone softly buzzing on the floor now.

Aaron. Aaron. Aaron… 

He tries to reach for it, but it hurts too much and he whispers out the name on the screen, before everything goes black. 

‘Aaron.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger and the angst, I'll try to update asap. Kudos and comments are very welcome, please let me know what you think.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: @beestof


	9. First Love Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron struggles, Liv helps out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is nearing it's end, I am planning to wrap it up in two more chapters but I think everyone who ever wrote a story knows that this is not always how it works especially if a story wants you to tell something so we'll see :) 
> 
> Again - unbetad yet, all mistakes are mine

Aaron's still contemplating if he should run after Robert when Liv comes home, and is looking for Robert who really did snuck out when no one was watching him for a second.

Eventually he tells his little sister what went down between them though Liv literally had to force the words out of his mouth, but she's been always good with getting everything out of Aaron. He calls his mum who just shouts at him then hangs up on him with a faint promise of calling again, but Aaron has a feeling it's more likely to be a visit than a call.

Before Chas could arrive though, Liv's had a few choice of words with him and again, she hit the nail on the head. 

‘You can’t be this daft Aaron. You’ve spent the last couple of months pining after him, and as soon as he confesses you break his heart? AND… don’t you dare come with that stupid he’s not Rob thing of yours because you damn well know, that it’s him. AND you what? Throw him away? Do you realize, that you’re his first ever love? You say you’re afraid it’s not him, but the first stupid thing he does is, to fall in love with you? For real. Like before. You were IT for Robert and he just proved that it’s still him in there, that you still are IT for him, but now you’ve also get to be his first love and you fuck it up…’

‘Shut UP Liv, please just for a second, shut up, would ya!’

He is so shaken that he can’t stay standing, has to sit down. Liv, for her young age is still very perceptive and Aaron just kind of wants to punch himself. He needs to fix this and he needs to fix it fast. He has the suspicion that Robert is at the Woolpack, at least that’s the impression he’s got from how his mum just hung up on him earlier. 

‘I need to go to him…’ 

He’s about to put his jacket on when the door to the Mill opens and in walks Chas, in all her righteous fury, making a halt in front of him, pushing a finger in his chest.

‘Aaron Dingle, why do I have a heartbroken Robert in the Woolpack crying his eyes out?’ 

‘Mum…’

‘Yes, you’ve told me on the phone you’ve actually told him, he’s dead, and you’re kinda mourning your husband…’

‘What are you on about? I’ve never said…’

‘Oh, Aaron, just shut up and don’t get into semantics.’ huffs Liv, and since when does she use words like semantics? Robert’s clearly been rubbing off on her. ‘You might have just told him that, because that is how what you said actually translated in his mind.’

‘Ok you two, I need some space, and I need to think so how about both of you just do one?’ 

‘Aaron…’

‘No, I’m serious. I need to think and I need to fix this so just let me be for a bit ok?’

‘Luv, he was very upset when he came back to the bar. Why don’t I make a brew and we can sit down and talk, while he also calms down a bit.’

Aaron just nods numbly and lets Liv to drag him to the couch while his mum prepares the drinks.

 

**********************

Aaron can’t wait any longer though. As soon as they finish their drinks and his mum starts getting ready to go back, he decides to go with her and see if Robert’s calmed down enough that they can speak.  
Well, Aaron highly doubts that but still figures it’s worth a try. He needs to tell Robert, that he didn’t mean to throw him away. That he didn’t mean to break his heart, and that he’s sorry for being a coward. 

Yes. He really thinks he wants this, wants to give a chance to Them. 

When they reach the Woolpack, Chas stops dead in her tracks and looks at an empty spot with her mouth hanging open, first confusion then horror in her eyes.  
Aaron looks too and it registers. That’s the spot where Robert’s car is usually parked, he only drove it once since the seizure. 

The car is missing, and Aaron’s heart stops.

Chas runs in the Woolpack, to the back room to check, and she reappears soon again, with a terrified look on her face, and a half empty vodka bottle in her hand. 

No.

Aaron’s already dialing Robert’s phone number, but after ringing for a long time, it goes to voicemail, so he tries again while jogging back towards the Mill to grab his own car. He needs to find Robert, and keeps calling while driving around, only stopping when Vic calls and asks for an update. Apparently she’s also outside driving around and so are Chas and Paddy. After what feels like eternity his call gets through, and he doesn’t wait for Robert to speak, he starts shouting.

‘Where the hell are you Rob? We’re all dead worried about ya…’

‘Hello, this is Dr. Bayliss speaking from Hotten General... ‘

And Aaron’s world stops, for the second time in one night. 

 

*******************

Apparently his idiot of a husband, whom he’s gonna kill with his own hands, slowly and painfully just to make sure the bastard suffers for scaring the living daylight out of everyone around him, is gonna be ok. As it turns out by the time the hospital finally answered his calls, half the village has been out and looking for Robert.

He got lucky. Very lucky. Yes, he’s gonna be in a world of pain when he wakes up, and even after that for a while, Aaron’s gonna make sure of it because he just bit off his own fingernails again and one of them is actually bleeding now, but otherwise the bastard’s kind of OK. 

He suffered a bad concussion and has some cracked ribs, a broken collarbone and some hits and bruises but he should be fine in a few days to be released. 

Of course when they finally let him in to see Robert, all his torturous plans are all but forgotten. The sight of his husband, again in a hospital bed with a bruised face, an ugly cut on his forehead all pale and so broken and vulnerable almost breaks him. 

‘Rob…’ is all he can whisper softly before sitting down on the chair next to the bed, and grabbing those fingers with his shaking ones. It feels like coming home. The realization that he this time almost lost the ability to touch those fingers for real this time hits him so hard, that for a second he can’t breathe.

All the cruel things he said Robert about him not being there, about him only being the body here are haunting him with a vengeance now that he is touching Robert again.  
He realizes with a jolt that it’s been months since he last time really touched Robert and now he just can’t seem to be able to stop. 

His fingers are now running up and down Robert’s arm, softly touching his shoulder and that broad chest he always loved to lay his head on so much. His neck, chin and cheekbones are next then he gently brushes a thumb along those lips and he can’t fight the urge; he leans forward and up a bit and presses his lips against them. They are the same soft and plush lips that Aaron always adored with his fingers, his mouth and his tongue… Even his cock. The sudden desire that flares up in his gut makes him flush hot with embarrassment and he shakes them off. For now. 

He touches Robert’s eyelids and his eyebrows then buries his fingers in those soft blond locks of his, all messed up and flat now. 

The love he feels for this man fills him up and he realizes that it was there all this time, never making any comparison between his Robert and this Robert, because the two are the same. This here is his Robert, memories or not.  
Liv was right all along and Aaron needs Robert to wake up. He needs to apologize and tell him how he feels, how he always felt.

‘Please forgive me’ he whispers into the quiet of the room. ‘I need you to wake up, and I want to tell you just how much you’re wanted. Needed. I love you and not the old or the new you, but just simply you.’

He lets out a little huff of laughter.

‘Hell I’ve loved you when you were a full on psychopath. I loved you after Katie, after Paddy, the Lodge, all this time I just loved you. Loved you when you started to change for me and loved you when we were apart, Rob. I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again; I never stopped. And I never will. So you have to wake up and come home with me ok?’

And he never stops touching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Again kudos and comments are adored!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: @beestof


	10. First Love Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert Jacob Sugden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the Last Real Chapter for this fic :) I'm marking it completed, but the smut chapter I promised is on it's way and about halfway written :) it's gonna be an extra later on
> 
> Unedited, all mistakes are my own

Robert realizes, that he doesn’t need his memories to hate hospitals. 

He purposefully makes the lives of his nurses hell, he throws tantrums and refuses the eat or take meds and refuses to feel guilty about the resigned look in nurse Eva’s eyes. 

He just had his heart broken and he figures some selfishness is forgivable. As far as he’s concerned, this is his first broken heart, caused by his very first love. Aaron Dingle.

When he woke up, Aaron was there. All teary eyed and pale, glued to the chair next to his bed and gripping Robert’s forearm like his life depended on it. Robert sent him away without listening and asked him not to come back. He did feel a pang of guilt at the heartbroken look in Aaron’s pretty blue eyes but the pain was too fresh and he needed time and away. From Aaron. Who declared him dead not long ago.

Chas, Liv, Vic and Diane visit. He lets them, but when Chas tries to put in a good word for Aaron, he glares so hard that she shuts up with a chuckle and placatingly finishes with a ‘Take your time luv, but please listen to him ok?’

He just shrugs, reluctantly and goes back to his moping. 

The ache in his chest won’t go away and after visiting hours ends he just lies in his bed and stares at the white hospital ceiling, trying to stop the constant replay of Aaron’s words in his head. 

“I loved you, the one that’s gone. Forever.” 

The pain on Aaron’s face while he said that makes his own heartbreak thousand times worse. It adds to his own heartache and he knows that he can’t handle to look at Aaron. He also knows that it’s not his fault but still it’s him who caused that pain in Aaron and again his self-loathing flares up. The wish to be able to disappear to give this life back to the man who actually deserves to have it and should be living it clashes with the wish to live. He shouldn’t be but he still feels like he has a claim to this life, and though he mourns Robert Jacob Sugden and wishes for him to be alive, it’s for Aaron’s sake now.

Great, now he’s developed some sort of multiple personality issues where he actually thinks that he’s an imposter in a body that does not belong to him, but he still wants it and feels kind of evil for it. For goodness sakes he thinks of his past self as a different person now. Which, probably is true in a sense. They are different people in the same body… And he seriously needs to stop thinking now because he feels like crying and drinking again, but he’s afraid of doing the latter after the cursing he received from Chas, supported by Vic’s death glares and her own choice of words. Yes, he needs to get out, and he doesn’t just mean the hospital. 

*******************

When he tells Vic and Diane that he wants to leave Emmerdale, the two almost have an aneurism, but it’s even worse when he tries to reason with Chas. Because Chas just, completely out of character - or at least how Robert got to know her - just widens her eyes, gets all teary and kicked-puppy like and Robert just can’t deal with these people anymore. 

He’d expected the puppy eyes from Vic. But from Chas it feels like betrayal. He’d expected blood and shouting and Chas ordering him not to dare to go, or even laugh in his face and ask her; and where to, big boy? But no. The woman had the audacity to look at him like he’s a traitor. 

Strangely it works. He stops talking about leaving and getting out, but eventually he gets released from the hospital at least. 

He does get a hell of a surprise though when he gets out of Vic’s car in front of the Woolpack, in the form of a very grumpy but determined looking Aaron Dingle and Robert’s heart just about explodes out of his chest when Aaron starts speed walking towards him until their bodies collide and it almost sends him toppling backwards but Aarons strong arms just grab him, enclose him and he’s being firmly pressed into that beautifully firm body and he let’s go. Everything. It’s like giving up. Robert can’t and won’t fight it, he simply melts into Aaron’s body, wraps his arms around him and sniffs against the point where Aaron’s neck meets his shoulder, not so subtly inhaling everything that’s Aaron.

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. 

Go figure. Robert Jacob Sugden lost his memories, and promptly managed to fall in love with the person whom he apparently loved more than anything. Just like now. 

And Aaron’s crying, and won’t let go and is touching him like he is afraid of letting go, strong palms all over Robert’s body, the touches being far from sexual. They feel like reassurance. So Robert decides that fuck everyone around them - especially the ones clapping and wolf-whistling - and stays right there, letting Aaron do whatever he needs. 

 

*************************

‘You sure you shouda been drinkin’ right now?’ 

Robert just shrugs and raises an eyebrow at his grumpy other half seated next to him on Chas’s sofa, on his third beer of the night, and he’s not planning to finish drinking anytime soon. 

‘Do you have any idea how it feels to know that alcohol is going to make you drunk, but not knowing how it feels to be drunk? I don't even remember how hangover feels but I know the word and what it means, I just don't understand what it means… I mean I even managed to fuck up my first drunk night cause by the time I woke up, there was no hangover in the hospital. And you know that I deserve this hangover.’

Aaron doesn’t answer, just puts on that you’re an idiot and a twat and why do I even bother with you-look, but Liv actually snorts OJ out her nose. Aaron scowls at her then snaps his eyes back at Robert and sighs.

‘Robert…’

‘Ah-ah-ah-ah… It’s not “just a job” or “just my old job” scruffy. It’s my FIRST job ok? The day after tomorrow I’m starting at my first ever job and tonight I deserve to be drunk and tomorrow I deserve my first ever hangover that I can finally remember.’

Aaron’s scowl deepend at the pet name ‘scruffy’ and apparently Robert Sugden 1.0 was not the one for pet names. Ok it’s not like he’s into them right now for the sake of being cute. He’s into it for the sake of seeing the grump deepen on Aaron’s default grump. Liv tells him, that’s more like the Robert from BTSA aka Before The Seizure of All - yeah horrible acronym but who cares?

After The hug just outside of the Woolpack, Aaron dragged him inside, sent everyone packing - even Chas made herself scarce - and they talked. And kissed. Then talked again. 

Understanding Aaron’s love for Robert Sugden, hearing his struggles about how he slowly realized that Robert really is Robert was painful. 

‘After your accident, when I was on my way to the hospital I just knew I had to see you. I needed to make sure that I haven’t lost ya for real this time, cause I don’t think I coulda live with myself if I did. I can’t lose ya Robert and I’m sorry that it took me such a long time to realize it’s still you in there. Liv’s been tellin’ me all this time, me mum the same, even Vic tried to kick some sense in me but you know me… well… um… you know what I mean. I was so terrified that I lost ya, and I was so lost in my mournin’ for ya that I almost... but Rob, I love you. I love you more than anything else and I want ya back in my life, our lives. Well, if mum let’s you go…’ 

During the whole speech Aaron wouldn't let go of Robert’s hands, his strong and calloused thumbs drawing small circles on the top of his hand. Of course, Robert had to kiss him though his track record at kissing Aaron wasn’t really good, he still had to. 

It escalated quickly. Dirtily. It was mind blowing. 

It was his first orgasm not caused by his own hand - that he could remember of, so after they’ve regained their breaths, Aaron draped all over Robert’s chest and body like a flippin octopus, not letting go, an idea struck Robert and he had to ask.

‘Do you think that I just lost my virginity to you?’

He could feel Aaron frowning against his chest.

‘What are you on about, you twat?’

‘I mean, mentally... my mental sexual virginity. I was totally a virgin mentally…’

Hearing Aaron’s full belly laugh for the first time in his life was a pretty fuckin’ amazing thing. 

They still decided - mostly Robert’s decision - to not to hurry with the moving back in together. Also, Robert kinda enjoyed living with Chas.

That was two weeks ago, and after listening to Robert’s moans about being bored and wanting to do something for about a week and a half, Chas and Cain had a chit chat with Jimmy. Next day Robert had his old (new) job at the haulage company back. Well, almost. He needed to re-learn a lot of things, but he’s still better with numbers than Nicola and Jimmy combined - Liv’s words - so it should be ok - Vic’s words. 

He finally started to really build up a life, and it felt much better than trying to re-build something of his old life. He picked up a few new habits - apparently he used to be more like the shirts and ties type of guy, but now he actually preferred t-shirts and jumpers, and he actually enjoyed listening to the small differences just as much as to all the things that were the same about him.

He still had some bad moments, or even days where his struggles with past and present overtook his conscious but it was easier to deal and it wasn’t a constant struggle anymore. 

Robert Jacob Sugden recons, that he could’ve done worse in life. Past and Present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys all enjoyed it :) 
> 
> Find me on tumblr: @robertssunsmile


End file.
